Punching Walls

I have my own bodyguard. He's a year 9 with anger management issues. Anyone attempting to give me any lip in class is likely to quickly find theirs fatter. He's a nice lad, but his devotion does cause some issues. The other day, for example, he used a classmate to up my broken window count. I should be in line for some kind of special certificate at the end of the year.

The troubling part of this story is that the incident went something like this:
K: You're a pommy bastard Mr. B.
MR B'S BODYGUARD: You can't say that to Mr. B! Do you want me to hit him for you Mr. B?
MR. B: (busy marking the roll and not really listening) Sure.
SFX: Sound of glass breaking as K is shoved through a large window.

(The last part of this scene is witnessed by a passing senior teacher. MR. B puts head in hands.)

Obviously, I can't be held responsible for this. At no point in either my training or (short) experience had I ever been under the impression that kids sometimes listen to what you tell them. These hands are clean.

Friday Morning

Some interesting questions today.

B: Mr B, who was the first person to wear clothes?
MB: Er, I don't think I've ever had to find that out.
B: Did he wear clothes because he had something to hide?
MB: Er, possibly. If you believe the bible, people started wearing clothes because they suddenly realised they were naked and that it was rude. But perhaps he just had an embarrassingly shaped birthmark.
B: Or a really small penis?
MB: Er, possibly.
B: Thanks. Nice talking to you.

J: Mr B, you know how people sharpen pencils?
MB: Er, yes?
J: Why, when you go to the tip, aren't there massive mountains of pencil shavings?
MB: Er, I think they disperse...

T: Mr B, you know those forests that existed millions of years ago?
MB: Er, yeah?
T: Who planted the seeds?
MB: Er, no-one planted them. They planted themselves.
T: How?
(MB launches into brief, stuttering explanation of primordial soup and the beginnings of life on Earth.)

J: Mr B, why are Fish and Humans the only animals who go to school?
MB: J, do your work.

I can't tell if they're generally behaving (even) more oddly than usual or if it just seems that way as I'm hungover.

Lying to Children

Apparently a teacher should never be sarcastic or untruthful to their students. But to not do so would be denying oneself one of the greater perks of the job.

I remember the first time I truly appreciated the joy that is lying to children. It was on my second teaching placement and I had just finished a lengthy presentation on the wildlife of Antarctica. I'd shown them a pretty comprehensive video on the subject and given them some extensive notes on the board. All that remained was for these - unusually well-educated - students to arrange the various species in order of size. This immediately proved to be beyond the majority of them.

S: Mr B, are krill really big or really small?
MB: Ah, yes, krill. Krill are actually the largest crustaceans on the planet. True fact. They grow up to 3 metres in length and roam the ice-floes in packs, hunting penguins.
S: (nodding and quickly returning to work) Ok, thanks!

Today I convinced a year 9 girl she would be too tall to ever date Guy Sebastian.

G: Mr B, someone's stolen my Guy Sebastian sticker from the front of my diary.
MB: Never mind, sometimes the crime is also the punishment.
G: I love Guy Sebastian.
MB: He's a good Christian boy too, isn't he?
(G, a devout Christian herself, nods)
MB: You know he's only three foot tall though?
G: What?
MB: It's true. He only comes up to about here. (Mr B holds hand up to his waist.)
G: No way.
MB: Really. You see people on TV and they look a normal size, but it's a trick of the camera. When you see them in real life, you're always surprised how short they are. You see, you need to be small to fit on the screen. When we go to widescreen they'll need to be even shorter.
G: But how come he looked tall when I saw him in concert?
MB: When you see people in concert, what you don't realise is that the stage is especially built to give you a sense of false perspective. Like those rooms you get at sideshows with the sloping floors - the ones where people look bigger even though they're moving away? The stages are built like that, so people look tall even when they're really short.
G: (possibly not entirely convinced) O...k.... Do you know I nearly got to meet him?
MB: It's a shame you didn't. You could have patted him on the head.

kids and drugs

I'm currently acting as a disciplinarian in a year 9 workshop on drug and alcohol education. The kids are using it as an opportunity to show off their vast experience of the subject. I think the woman in charge (who regrettably has a tiny voice) is learning more than she could have expected. Or wanted to.

WOMAN: What category of drug would you put marijuana into?
ENTIRE CLASS EXCEPT CHRISTIAN GIRL: Good!
CHRISTIAN GIRL: Is marijuana a powder?
(Class erupts in derisive laughter.)

I feel for this small voiced woman, trapped in a room with the 9D boys in final period. But at least it makes a change from self-pity.

The highlight has been a set of "vision goggles" that simulate the effect of drunkenness. The kids have to cross the room wearing them and then catch a ball the woman throws at him. I am persuaded (at the threat of a riot) to try them. The effect is not entirely disimilar to a drunken night out. I'm glad I have plenty of practive at sober walking under the influence. And I catch the ball. Ha! So now my class is sure I'm an alco. (As opposed to merely suspecting.)

The conclusion is proving painful.
WOMAN: So what have learned this afternoon?
D: That attacking Ben got me an afterschool detention.
W: Ok... What about you?
B: That getting attacked by Daniel got me an afterschool detention.
W: Oh, what did everyone else learn about drugs?
J: Nothing.
W: Oh. Good to see my time was well spent. What about you?
T: What J said.
W: Ok..
S: What T and J said.
W: Ok, does anyone have any questions?
D: Yeah, where can I buy a set of those goggles.

I have been the subject of much derision for having my haircut. Which was briefly amusing and quickly tiring. I understand why teachers end up wearing such bland clothes with sensible shoes...