the mininovel highlights (part one)

1. The large amounts of slightly homoerotic novels written by year 9 boys about each other. For example 'A Year in the life of Jack, by Brad' (names changed to protect the "innocent") which begins with a fairly graphic description of a wet dream. Lovely. It's honestly bizarre. These boys are often rolling around together on the carpet of our form room, still covered in grass stains from rolling around on the grass at recess while "playing football". I really don't remember doing anything similar in high school. But then I was too busy not playing sport so I could bunk off and hang out with the girls.

2. "Hi my name is Collin. My story starts simple as a house. A house with nothing special just a house well that what i throat when i first went to see the house. You see the news paper I work for was moving there lactation" Lactation? That had me stumped for a bit. You can see where the obsessions are here though. Throat... lactation... stump (oh, wait, that was me.)

3. The four 4,000 word mininovels I've read that lack a single full-stop. One of which was written by the granddaughter of a woman who told me at parent teacher interviews that she "can't see the point of that English stuff. I mean, when are you ever going to need to use one of those puncture mark things?" (This latter statement illustrated by stabbing motions.)

4. My favourite is still the bad-ass crime novel that begins with the line "I had just received a massage from the Black Dragon, the most dangerous criminal in all of China." See, homoeroticism everywhere.

5. I almost forgot. There's also the "Untitled" masterpiece which reads "suck large penis........ print me baby." Sadly anonymous.

Out of Uniform Pass

A recurring truant year 9 girl came back to school today after two weeks with possibly the best excuse for being out of uniform heard anywhere, ever:

Please excuse J for not having the correct school pants today as she left them in the stolen car she was caught in last week.

It raises more questions than it answers really.

10 things i've learned from kids this week

1. Hitler won the Second World War.

2. Presumably this was after he started the First World War in 1953.

3. He also wore a fetching red cape.

4. Hezbollah is doing AIDS charity work in Africa.

5. The Australian Civil War began in 1878.

6. Vienna is a country.

7. Asia, India and Australia were occupying forces in Germany post-WWII.

8. Captain Cook crashed his boat into the Great Barry of Reef.

9. People from Turkey are not a) Turkish or c) Arabs but b) Turkeys

10. That a man cannot have too many career options.

spring has sprung

And everyone in the school is in a good mood for once. Even the lingering after-effects of an evening drinking cheap red wine is not enough to dent the day's charms. Neither, oddly, is a first period with Year 9s as they struggle to resist playing games and work instead on their 4,000 word mininovels (due next Friday).

This sharp rise in morale is much needed at the moment. Two weeks ago we had staff and student welfare week, which involved lots of ego-stroking for the students but little for their teachers. In fact, the staff meeting that week involved us tackling the results of a school survey that showed the students felt we didn't interest, understand or empathise with them. The question we had to answer was: 'Why are we all so crap at our jobs?'

The next day the principal, noting a certain gloom in the corridors, gave a powerpoint presentation at morning briefing showing that staff morale 'isn't as bad as everyone thinks.' In other words, 'you're not as unhappy as you think you are.' There was a certain (additional) irony that this time-consuming presentation was given at one of the thrice-weekly briefings that force everyone to get to school early and usually miss out on caffeine before hurrying under-prepared to class.

Today, however, none of this matters. Not even the fact that yesterday a friend here was told if she didn't go on leave 6 months earlier there may not be a position for me next year. Nor the matter of me leaving my glasses at home and having to squint as I type this. Spring is here.

Oh. According to the national weather tomorrow will be cold and rainy. Bah.