Why I'm Thinking I Will Never Again Allow My Year 8s To Stage Their Own Plays (Scene One)

Scene 1: The Classroom

(Our hero, MR B, puts his file and iBook on the desk at the front of the room. There is much noise - swearing, shouting and clattering of chairs - as 26 thirteen year olds find a seat. Some are glad to see our hero back at the front of the classroom, after a day away, as the replacement teacher was "evil". [Oddly, she said the same about them, but no matter...] After thirty seconds of asking, the class settle into a fragile silence.)

Mr B: Did you all - Billy, sit down - Did you all - Joel, be quiet - Did you all - Billy, I won't tell you again - Did you all start work on your short plays yesterday?

(There is solid silence, at last.)

Mr B: Did anyone start - Billy, I said I wasn't going to tell you again - Did anyone start work on their plays?

(A couple of the more conscientious students gingerly raise their hands.)

Mr B: Good Carly. Did anyone else do any work at all? Joel, stop licking Billy. I mean it. Right, get your scripts out. I want to see how much you've written. You two, no wrestling, off the floor.

(MR B walks around the room, faintly despairingly at the lack of work done. Something occurs to him.)

Mr B: Where are Gemma, Eva and Sally?

Carly: They went to make props.

Mr B: What do you mean props? You don't need props.

Carly: Their play is about a car chase, so they've gone to make a car.

(MR B covers his eyes with his hands.)

Mr B: Billy, get your hands off Joel. I don't care if he likes it. Go and find the girls and bring them back here.

Billy: Can I take Joel?

Mr B: No, go alone.

Billy: What about Jeff?

Mr B: No, go alone.

Billy: What about Joel then?

Mr B: No, go alone.

(BILLY looks despondent. MR B walks off to help some other students with their scripts. In a minute he realises BILLY is still at his desk.)

Mr B: Billy, go get the girls.

Billy: Why can't I take Joel?

Mr B: It only takes one.

Billy: Jeff then.

Mr B: No, it only takes one.

Billy: Joel then.

Mr B: No, off you go.

Billy: What about Jeff?

Mr B: Billy, off you go.

(A Pause.)

Billy: Joel?

Mr B: No.

(BILLY bursts into tears. MR B gestures to Carly, who heads off to find the missing students.)

Mr B: (quietly) Come on Billy, let's step outside a second.

Billy: (sniffing through snotty sobs) Can Jeff come with me?

(CARLY returns with GEMMA, EVA and SALLY. The latter three are covered in paint.)

Mr B: Girls, where have you been?

Gemma: (fiercely) We've been making our props haven't we?

Mr B: You can't just decide to go make props.

Gemma: We need them!

Mr B: You remember that talk we had about not using props?

Gemma: Yeah.

Mr B: Well, I meant that we wouldn't be using props.

Gemma: But we've gotta. We're doing a car chase.

Mr B: Well, let's talk about that first. Where's your script?

Gemma: Our what?

Mr B: You have started your script?

Gemma: Our what?

Mr B: Your... (sighs) sit down, I think we need to start again. Joel, don't do that to Jeff. It's not hygenic.

(The lights dim.)

END OF SCENE ONE